Pastor, St. Jerome Parish

I’d like to remind everyone that our annual celebration of the Feast Day of St. Francis of Assisi will take place in the Multi-Purpose Churchatorium on Sunday, October 4.  However, this year’s celebration will take a slightly different turn from previous installments.

In recent years, all pets have been welcome at our St. Francis blessing.   But due to circumstances beyond the parish’s control, the following restrictions are now in effect:

• Small, yippy dogs are no longer welcome.  They’re not actually pets.  They are overgrown rats with hairbows.  You know it and I know it.  In the even there is a question as to whether or not your small, yippy dog is in fact a dog or a rat, we have instituted the Paris Hilton Test:  If the animal can fit inside an average designer handbag, it is not welcome at the blessing.

• Dominatrixes are hereby asked to leave their clients at home.  Or, you may proceed directly to the confessional.  Just don’t stand next to little Bobby clutching his goldfish bowl.

• What would be really awesome is if someone brought a lion.  Come on, a lion.  I’ve never blessed a lion, and I need a new homily hook.

Dear Parishioner Scrupulous:

Sometimes I see parents bringing their infants to Mass.  While I’m sure it’s laudable to instruct the child in the Faith from the earliest age, sometimes I notice that the baby is sleeping during Mass, or, even worse, playing with some sort of non-religious toy.  Surely this is yet another indicator that the American Catholic Church is doomed.

-Righteous in Roanoke

Dear Righteous:

You are, of course, entirely correct.  Parents who permit their infants to sleep through the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, or who distract the child in any way from the action of the altar, commit the worst kind of sacrilege.  God does not bring children to a marriage for purposes of enjoyment.

What parents should do instead with young babies is hoist them up in the air, so they can see what’s going on. I don’t care if their head flop around; this is preparation for the endless discomfort which is life here in Satan’s domain.

In addition, babies should be forced to kneel along with their parents and fourteen siblings (assuming their parents are living correctly) at appropriate moments as well.  While they may require a bit of back support, an infant’s legs will bend if you fold them accordingly.  Lack of muscle control and bone formation are no excuse for not maintaining the proper posture during Mass.

Hey, you crazy teens!  It can be pretty hard to understand that darned Bible sometimes… Luke 22:54-62, just to pick a completely random set of verses!  Let’s retranslate it in a way you’ll understand it, okay?  Then we’ll talk about drugs.

Here are Jesus and Peter on their YouFace TubeBerrys , having a chat:

BigPeteROCK:  Where u?

JC:  Crib of high priest :( U?

BigPeteROCK:  Just outside, in crtyrd.  Somebody brought kosher marshmallows, WOOT!

JC:  Just SERVED Annus, LOL

BigPeteROCK:  BRB, srvnt grrl chtting w/me…

JC:  Don’t cut her ear off ; )

BigPeteROCK:  jajajajajajaja

JC:  RU there?

JC:  Coming thru crtyrd… wanna hang out?

JC:  Dude, WTF?

BigPeteROCK:  : (

Parishioner, St. Michael the Archangel Parish 

Okay, first of all, I’ve been sitting in this here folding chair for thirty-eight years running every Tuesday night.  The claim has been staked.  And I’ve sealed enough envelopes at Rosary Altar Society meetings and trundled enough cupcakes to bake sales to have earned a little respect, thank you.

Listen, if you want to hang around chatting during the paper card calls while I work the dauber like the pro I am, that’s fine.  But once we start getting into the $500 coveralls, I’d appreciate it if you did not clutter up my hard-earned Bingo real estate.

This troll doll?  Shouldn’t be touched. That little fan of holy cards there and the mug with pictures of my grandchildren?  Shouldn’t be touched.  By anything, let alone your mini-St. Jude statue.  You are likely perfectly capable of setting up your ceramic leprechauns and “I (Heart) Bingo” keychain without completely upsetting my non-skid card mat.

Oh, and God bless.

Dear Parishioner Scrupulous:

Last Tuesday, during his daily Mass homily, our pastor used the word “sensual” in reference to the Psalm selection.  Of course, I was highly offended and wondered what I might do to prevent hearing such smut from the pulpit again.  Suggestions?

-Shocked in San Antonio

Dear Shocked:

Unfortunately, the Bible is riddled with sex.  But that’s a good thing, as it encourages more selfish members of the Catholic Church who might only have eight or nine children to turn the direction of their thoughts to the creation of a somewhat more reasonable eleven or twelve.

Your pastor, however, isn’t supposed to point this out is such a graphic manner.  These hidden Bible sex messages are meant to remain subliminal, away from the ears of those who misunderstand them.  I suggest that you report this errant servant of God to the bishop immediately, and then perhaps watch some safe, family-oriented movies to calm yourself.  I hear Salome:  Dance of the Seven Veils is Bible-friendly while remaining fully sex free.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Amy Postie of CNN.  “He was Catholic.  He was, like, a really important Catholic who died.  Why wouldn’t the Pope fly out for the funeral?”

Postie then brightened.  “Maybe they’ll name a church after him!”

AP reporter David Nowak attempted an explanation.  “I bet the Pope is angry with him for failing to pass universal health care before he died,” he said.  “What a shame.  He ought to be more forgiving and openminded.”

Director of Constant Liturgical Variety,  St. Peter the Apostle Parish

This time of the Church year is known as “Ordinary Time,” as in ordinal, as in “a whole bunch of numbers,” as in… endless opportunities for FUN!

Unconstrained by depressing Lent or blocked-by-skiing-vacay Advent, Ordinary Time is an excellent opportunity to liven up Mass in your parish.  Can’t let some musty old 2000-year tradition get stale!

• Fireworks:  Literal, wonderful fireworks!  Next July 5, find a Wal-Mart parking lot near you, park, and look for the closest garish sign. That will be your friendly neighborhood fireworks vendor.  At this point in the season, the best bangers can be had one a buy one, get two basis.  Those of you stuck in old churches with distractingly high roofs and offensively ornate artwork are actually at an advantage here:  Get yourselves some high shooters.  Everybody else?  Set off a nice flowerpot there in the middle of your Parish Center right after the Consecration.  God will love it.
• Pet Participation:  Many parishes offer pet blessings on the Feast of St. Francis of Assisi.  But does not Our Lord love all the tarantulas and hamsters of the world all year long?  Invite your parishioners to deposit their pets on the altar, there to stay and delight the congregation during Mass.  An artistically placed ant farm always brings such dignity to the liturgy.
• Pimps and Hos Sunday:  Does your parish encourage everyone to wear red on Pentecost?  So yesterday!  Celebrate Our Lord’s friendship with tax collectors and prostitutes with Pimps and Hos Sunday!  Any decent party store will offer appropriate feather boas, gold tooth caps, and enormous hats.  Fun for the whole family!

The Catholic Prayer Committee of Proper Deity Addressment and Diverse Multiculturalism faced our Waterloo with this one.  Its very first two words embrace the whole heavy world of paternalism, the mention of “bread” is patently offensive to those on low-carb diets, and it assumes that the human race is awash in litter-leaving trespassers, which, of course, we have signs warning against in the modern era.  Following is a far more sensible rendition of the “Our Father” (spit)

What up,

You who have somehow avoided The System and don’t live in Section 8 housing,

Why can’t we just call you “Pat,” or possibly “Terry”?

You can crash on my floor if you need to,

but if you eat the soy yogurt in the fridge that has my name on it, you need to pay me for that.

Everything’s equal and good in all parts of the universe, so let’s not get all heaven-biased or anything.

Give us this day our organic free-range hummus 

Sorry about not having more female Indonesian single-mother friends in wheelchairs

Even though the world owes me my own reality show

Let’s just assume Satan means well 

Even though he probably only exists in that one awesome part of Fantasia anyway

Leave me a Facebook message, we’ll chat.