American Undercroft

Dear Parishioner Scrupulous:

Sometimes I see parents bringing their infants to Mass.  While I’m sure it’s laudable to instruct the child in the Faith from the earliest age, sometimes I notice that the baby is sleeping during Mass, or, even worse, playing with some sort of non-religious toy.  Surely this is yet another indicator that the American Catholic Church is doomed.

-Righteous in Roanoke

Dear Righteous:

You are, of course, entirely correct.  Parents who permit their infants to sleep through the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, or who distract the child in any way from the action of the altar, commit the worst kind of sacrilege.  God does not bring children to a marriage for purposes of enjoyment.

What parents should do instead with young babies is hoist them up in the air, so they can see what’s going on. I don’t care if their head flop around; this is preparation for the endless discomfort which is life here in Satan’s domain.

In addition, babies should be forced to kneel along with their parents and fourteen siblings (assuming their parents are living correctly) at appropriate moments as well.  While they may require a bit of back support, an infant’s legs will bend if you fold them accordingly.  Lack of muscle control and bone formation are no excuse for not maintaining the proper posture during Mass.