American Undercroft

American Undercroft is pleased to present an excerpt from “What Up, Big Guy!”:  A Manual of Updated Prayers for Properly Enlightened Catholics

The Catholic Prayer Committee of Proper Deity Addressment and Diverse Multiculturalism faced our Waterloo with this one.  Its very first two words embrace the whole heavy world of paternalism, the mention of “bread” is patently offensive to those on low-carb diets, and it assumes that the human race is awash in litter-leaving trespassers, which, of course, we have signs warning against in the modern era.  Following is a far more sensible rendition of the “Our Father” (spit)

What up,

You who have somehow avoided The System and don’t live in Section 8 housing,

Why can’t we just call you “Pat,” or possibly “Terry”?

You can crash on my floor if you need to,

but if you eat the soy yogurt in the fridge that has my name on it, you need to pay me for that.

Everything’s equal and good in all parts of the universe, so let’s not get all heaven-biased or anything.

Give us this day our organic free-range hummus 

Sorry about not having more female Indonesian single-mother friends in wheelchairs

Even though the world owes me my own reality show

Let’s just assume Satan means well 

Even though he probably only exists in that one awesome part of Fantasia anyway

Leave me a Facebook message, we’ll chat.