American Undercroft

Dear Parishioner Scrupulous:

Last Tuesday, during his daily Mass homily, our pastor used the word “sensual” in reference to the Psalm selection.  Of course, I was highly offended and wondered what I might do to prevent hearing such smut from the pulpit again.  Suggestions?

-Shocked in San Antonio

Dear Shocked:

Unfortunately, the Bible is riddled with sex.  But that’s a good thing, as it encourages more selfish members of the Catholic Church who might only have eight or nine children to turn the direction of their thoughts to the creation of a somewhat more reasonable eleven or twelve.

Your pastor, however, isn’t supposed to point this out is such a graphic manner.  These hidden Bible sex messages are meant to remain subliminal, away from the ears of those who misunderstand them.  I suggest that you report this errant servant of God to the bishop immediately, and then perhaps watch some safe, family-oriented movies to calm yourself.  I hear Salome:  Dance of the Seven Veils is Bible-friendly while remaining fully sex free.