American Undercroft

Mrs. Deborah Turner

Principal, St. Clare Grade School

Greetings, parents!  I bid you a fond hello from my unairconditioned office, where the plants are dead and the windows are painted shut.  It’s truly an inspiring setting to continue with my preparations to educate your children.

Here are a few items some of you might see on your child’s school supply list.  They’re new for the ‘09-’10 school year, and I just know they’ll play a major role in helping your child achieve great academic success:

• Puffs:  Please note I did not type “facial tissues.”  I’m tired of some of you people bringing in the off-brand 100-count crap from the 99 Center, or one of the travel packs that wouldn’t support a single snot elimination.  Puffs!  Lots of them!
• Red pens:  We tried the stupid purple pen thing last year, and the students are still idiots.  I don’t care about their feelings anymore.  If the little bastards spell a word wrong this year, they are going to know about it, and they are going to know about it in flaming red.
• Lunch: Our cafeteria was shut down by the state health inspector over the summer.  Something about “asbestos” and “roaches” and “kickbacks.”  Whatever.  Just don’t pack anything that pisses me off, like those ridiculous “Uncrustable” things from Smuckers– you can’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?  You have to buy them ready-made from your grocer’s freezer?  Were you stumped by the bread tie?  How did you ever figure out which end of your kid’s lunchbag to open to thrust in the stupid Uncrustable?
• Never mind.