American Undercroft

MILWAUKEE, WI:  Bishop  Thomas Donohue pre-nominated pop singer Madonna for sainthood today, citing as qualifications  her charitable work, toned arms, and “fierce boots.”

“And she took the name of Our Lady!”  pointed out Bishop Thomas Donohue, who submitted the nomination.  “How could her life be anything but holy?”

Donohue defended his actions against criticism that Madonna trafficked in sexually explicit entertainment and insulted the Catholic Church with blasphemous images in the video for her 1989 single “Like a Prayer.”  “Well, nobody’s perfect,” Donohue said.  “Besides, I’m nominating the nice side of Madonna, the one that’s collecting third-world children, not the slutty part.”

American Catholics seemed divided on the issue.  “This is a wonderful sign that the Church is finally getting in step with times,” said Kristi Lenahan of St. Lawrence Parish in Hoboken. 

Fellow Catholic Bryant Garcia, however, disagreed.  “If the Catholic Church wants to speak to the youth of America, it’s going to have to pre-nominate someone way less haggy than Madonna.  Miley Cyrus, maybe.”

Madonna was engaged in spray-painting the sheep on her British ranch at press time, and could not be reached for a reaction.  The Vatican had no comment outside of:  “…”